A random journal, like many others

Timing is everything.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 06:51:09 GMT

And mine sucks.

Everything I said about Natalie yesterday is true. That and more . . . I reigned in what I had to say because I felt I needed to do so.

I am not going to expound further regarding her because it doesn't matter, really. I know how I feel and, more importantly, I now know how she feels . . .

Ah well . . . I've heard I'm a good friend, anyway.

Hello again.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 06:10:14 GMT

Okay, so, I continually disappoint on the updating front. I would apologize; but, the truth is I do not really give two shits about updating. At least, that's usually the case. So, instead, I'm just going to say that I suck at it and move onward. This is going to be a post; but, a rather meandering one. Bear with me.

My sister has been having a hard pregnancy, a lot of things not going as they should . . . doctors and family are very concerned about both her and the baby. While pregnant with both Anna and Brian, there were complications. But nothing of this magnitude. She would have delivered 6 months premature if doctors hadn't found some way to encourage her body to calm the fuck down and subsequently sentencing her to near-complete bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. Not cool.
Not on the same exact topic; but, still family . . . My dad lost his job a while ago. He's been trying to find something; but, the truth is, it's rough for drivers right now. Gas is expensive and there are too many out of work drivers vying for what few positions that are available. My dad hasn't found anything. As a result, he is slipping into a depression. I've seen it before. Luckily, he still seems to be finding things to occupy his time; but, I am concerned about how long this will last. Eventually, he will reach a point where he will stop trying to keep busy and will just close in on himself and the computer. It isn't good times at all when he does that. It always made me feel horrible and I never knew what to do to help.
As a result of my dad not having work, my mom is freaking out about making ends meet on her salary. Working for non-profit agencies might be good for the soul; but, it sure isn't good for the bank account. I'm sure she is over-stressing herself, she usually does; but, it always adversely effects her health. She has never had a great immune system and when she gets full-on sick, it is never a matter of just bed-rest and fluids . . . it always ratchets up the complication chart to something which demands she receives medical treatment. Which costs money she won't see how they can afford to give, which ratchets up her stress level further, and the cycle perpetuates itself from there.
I give what help I can; but, due to my own work situation . . . that isn't as much as I'd like. Which brings me to my next topic . . .

Work is pissing me off, a lot. It's really the same as always . . . never enough time to get it all done and too much to get done in the first place. The lack of full-time has always chapped my ass regarding this job; but, it has really been getting to me a great deal more over the past few months. In terms of money/benefits as well as simply having enough actual work-time to get stuff done instead of doing 25-35 hours a week outside of work to maintain the Young Adult services. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for the world . . . but, I just with certain things about it were a bit different.

Of the things that I wish were different that have been weighing a bit heavier on my mind is the matter of benefits. Insurance, to be specific. You see, while my epilepsy hasn't really gotten worse in terms of gan mals, the frequency of petit mals has increased. Not enough to really get in the way of my life, most of the time, though it unnerves people close to me, on in particular. I have been thinking and it occurs to me that perhaps the increase in petit mals has to do with something. I have been reconsidering my stance on medicine and treatment for a while now (I guess getting older is taking a bit of fight out of me), due to various advances in the field. The increase in petit mals makes me grudgingly admit that I should probably see a neurologist. However; all of this is moot unless I can AFFORD to see the neurologist, buy medicine, and whatever else that might come along. Without insurance, that is not possible in any way, shape, or form. Which brings me to my next topic . . .

It has been suggested to me that I look into the possibility of disability benefits, for insurance, if nothing else. The arguement posed to me goes thusly:

1. Epilepsy prevents me from going to work at least 2-3 times a month and it has a noticable impact on my work even on good days.
2. I can not feasibly take work that is more than a couple miles from home because I am currently unable to drive (it is illegal for one with epilepsy to drive in the state of Nebraska unless the seizures are "controlled" and one has not had a seizure for three consecutive months) and am unlikely to do so due to the prohibitive costs of insuring an epileptic driver (not to mention the completely impossible price of just OWNING a car; but, that really has nothing to do with this conversation)
3. This disorder will NEVER go away, I am stuck with it, and it will impact my ability to work and function for the rest of my life.

That said, I really don't think I would qualify on those merits alone. Even if I did, I would feel bad for taking benefits when someone profoundly more needing of them could make much more use of that assistance. I mean, yeah, it DOES impact my ability to work: I have multiple seizures at work and at home that have interfered with or rendered me completely unable to work each month; but, I still manage to work. Also, the more I look into it, the more I think it would be completely impossible for me to be approved for benefits. Apparently, when considering eligibility for benefits, the SSA applies the same basic approach to epilepsy as they do asthma. Seems a bit odd to me; but, hey, maybe I've never seen truly debilitating asthma. There are certain criteria that must be met to even have a bare minimum of a chance of being approved:

1. More than one gran mal per month (check).
2. Documentation of the frequency of seizures by a duly licensed medical professional (nope) or, at the very least, a diary of seizures (I could do this, I guess. Though, from what I've read, it doesn't really help much.) going back at least 3 months.
3. The seizures MUST occur despite full compliance with prescribed medicines. (nope)

As you can see, two of those criteria are IMPOSSIBLE for me to meet for the very same reasons I would consider applying for disability benefits: I HAVE NO FUCKING INSURANCE! I can't afford to see a doctor and there is NO fucking way I can afford to take over 300 dollars worth medication a month!

So, I'm back where I began. Epilepsy fucking with me = difficult to get a job with benefits = no benefits from job = No medical treatment = no way I can get insurance from SSA to make up for lack of benefits from job = more epilepsy fucking with me. It is kinda funny when you think about it. :)

Its come to my attention recently that I've really kinda been a dick to someone who means a great deal to me. I don't want to go into too thorough detail here; but, suffice to say I could really have been a better friend/person/lover/whatever to this wonderful person. Unfortunately, all I can really say is I'm sorry and that I am trying to rectify my horrible douchebaggery and I hope you have the heart in you to forgive me. Though, I understand if that last bit is asking a bit much.

Things aren't all bad, though. Having fun in wow, reading good books (Seriously, fucking check out Graceling, by Kristin Cashore! I wouldn't watch the little trailer they have for it at the bottom of the page though . . . fun; but, goofy), been working out, and playing a decent amount of Rock Band. Oh yeah! I'm also kinda seeing someone, too! :)

she's super cool. Her name is Natalie and she's a total geek, hilarious, smart as hell, pretty ridiculously cute, and we have a BUNCH of stuff in common. I really love spending time with her and always want more when she leaves. I find myself laughing and smiling more than I have in a LONG while, which is great, and is amplified to ludicrous proportions when she's around. Sex is undeniably great and she seems to have very similar taste in food as I do. Not quite sure why I paired sex and food together; but, oh well. Of course, there's a catch. Well, catches, I guess . . . isn't there always? I'd really rather not go into the catch; however, because I really do enjoy spending time with this great lady and I would greatly like to spend more good time with her. Failing that, I'd rather the time I DO spend with her continue to be good times, unclouded by what may come in the near future.

But, I'd be lying if I said those catches don't matter to me. I would also be lying if I said those catches aren't on my mind a good deal of the time. I would also be lying if I said my moods were not affected by those catches. But, hey life is never perfect and neither are the situations we create with other people. Right?

Okay, that's my post. I will likely do another quasi-post later with a list (and links) for songs I wish were in Rock Band. I've been meaning to do that for a while now.

Thanks for reading, if you did, and love you all.

/hugs

Oh god.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 07:01:34 GMT

Its fucking Valentine's Day. Please, let me die of an aneurysm in my sleep tonight.

Why I like winter.

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:56:20 GMT

I walked to work in the snow today. Its so beautiful. It covers everything in gentle sloping curves of pillowy softness. All the jagged edges are rounded off, the patches of vegetation worn barren by treading feet or pesticides covered in a chill blanket, the problems of our physical world hidden. I think its the only time the world we know, day in and day out, is beautiful. It turns our world and all its ugliness into something otherworldly and new.

It makes me feel . . . I don't know, like just maybe, while the snow covers the hard realities, that something else is possible in our lives than what we have become accustomed.

Its a nice feeling, even if it only lasts until the snow goes gray with grime and melt-off.

Not really sure what I'm talking about here . . .

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:04:18 GMT

So . . . its late at night, I'm lonely and pathetic . . . So, I do what every sad, self-absorbed, nearly-thrity-year-old would do: make an LJ post.

Most of the things that I mentioned being frightened of in my last post turned out okay. However, the resolution of those things has created another set of fears.

As mentioned, I'm lonely. Very much so. Thankfully, it comes in bouts. So, I can usually manage to get sleep. I'm not really certain how to remedy this situation. I have no faith in myself and whatever charms I might have in attracting someone to be with. So, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of me just walking up to someone and putting them into a swoon with a conversation or my physical attributes. Besides, like it or not, its one specific type of person I feel lonely for and that kind of person is not good for me. It never is, really. I don't know if there is anything I can do to change that pattern and, to be completely honest, I don't think I much care anymore. I feel my age creeping up on me and my hair falling away and that makes me aware of the things I don't have in my life. I know people are going to say, "STFU! You're not old!" well . . . maybe you are right, in the sense of how most people live to around 70 now. However, I look around me and am surrounded by friends who have gotten married, started families, have something greater than them to cling to when the nights grow cold, and (when it comes to that) someone to hold and hold them. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that these things haven't happen for me, not for lack of trying.

Then again, things always look better from the outside. And that includes the relationships that didn't work. I'm looking back on all of them, and its hard to be honest with myself about them. I KNOW there were things that made them beyond fixing and that I was not the sole culprit in fucking things up; but, it is hard to see those things when I feel like this. I only see the idealized version. I see the cuddling and laughter, her barely audible snore, the way his foot twitched in the night, the way her cynicism always made me giggle, the way she looked when she was making art, the way her hand fit in mine, the way he smelled when I nuzzled against him, the way she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself, her angry-love when I was doing stupid things that would hurt me and the way she was there to comfort me when it DID hurt, the way she sang with abandon to the songs I never liked . . . you get the picture. I know there were fights and tears and pain; but, its hard to put things in perspective when I get like this. That's part of the problem, I guess.

A friend asked me what I would change in my life if the world was going to end in three years. I said I couldn't think of anything that I would change in any monumental manner. Thinking back on that now, I think my response is terribly depressing. As if I've subconsciously resigned myself to a sad future. The future I see everyday, middle-aged souls using the library computers to desperately find someone on Yahoo Personals who will give them some reason to keep living the sad life they've made for themselves. I see it everyday and it scares me shitless because I feel like just another piece of runoff heading straight for that very same gutter.

I don't want that; but, I don't know how to change. I don't think any of us do. Is it worth trying to change our pathetic patterns or is it better just trying to find something to help us be content with the inevitable? Is trying to change the way we are a Sisyphean task?

I want to believe I can change. I want to believe WE can change. But, the more I look around me, the more I look at my past, the more I look at myself . . . well, the more I feel like I'm losing ground day after day.

I try very hard to hide all these thoughts. I try to smile, I try to make jokes, and I laugh where appropriate. I've become a slave to routine in an effort to avoid these feelings . . . it works maybe 50% of the time. However, I feel like I am fighting the sea and I can't help but think that eventually something will give and the tide will wash over me.

Okay, quick and dirty post . . .

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 23:46:41 GMT

As the subject says, this will be quick and incomplete. I will fill things in later.

I am super tired. Haven't slept well in days. Some major things happening right now at work, life in general, and personal life. I am stressed, confused, horny (like that ever changes), and scared.

Putting together a preliminary calendar for the summer reading program. I think there are a lot of exciting things we are going to do this SRP. Of course, I won't know for sure what we are doing until probably mid-April; but, getting started feels good. Why don't we hope I can continue to stay on top of it and not have it slowly tear me into the little bits it usually does . . . On another work note: I have to work this Sunday . . . BOOOOOOO!

Big personal things going on . . . things I can't really tell people about right now, no matter how much I'd like to. What I will say is these things are scaring me shitless.

Anyway . . . tired . . . gonna try to sleep . . .

here's one more ellipsis for my fellow addicts . . .

On the docket for today:

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 17:55:34 GMT

1. Try not to puke at work from the plague that seems to have overcome me.
2. Try not to puke at work as a result of the horrible smell from the tar being laid on the roof.
3. Figure out how the hell I am going to put a good spin on the fact that we only had 38 people signup for the Winter Reading Program, about 75 less than we had last year.
4. Figure out why TONS of teens tell me they are excited for something coming up, even without me asking about it, then only have a handful of people participate or show up. Well, that's just cause they are teens . . . so, I'll rephrase this: Figure out how to get people who seem excited about a program or event to ACTUALLY SHOW UP!
5. Figure out what I am going to do to use about $100 worth of prizes (many of them perishable) that didn't get used in the WRP cause no one signed up (see number 3).
6. Start planning for the Summer Reading Program.
7. Thorough weeding of the non-fiction section.
8. Try not to puke.

And, crap! I need to go, so I can't finish this list.

In summary, I point back to yesterday's post. Seriously . . . I just want to not think for a while. Any suggestions?

An update no one wants to know about . . .

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:18:27 GMT

So . . . I want to fuck someone. Like, REALLY bad. Not because I particularly need to get off; but, because I just want to NOT THINK for a blissful amount of time.

Really, its either that or a lobotomy. Hrm . . . how much do you think those run?

Quick update . . .

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 08:49:07 GMT

So . . . Being sick sucks.

Going to work the day after staying home from work, because you were too sick to get out of bed, to the stomach-rending smell of tar being laid on the roof sucks harder.

Having two cute-as-hell people come into work today and feeling too icky to actually talk with them (for fear of being even creepier than I would normally) sucks even harder. Seriously, this chick and this guy are so fucking cute-hot that my brain completely shuts off when they walk through those doors. The lady looks like a real-life version of Hannelore from "Questionable Content" and the other guy is this super-cute Asian guy who is incredibly well read and smart. . . the first time I realized I had a super-sized crush on this guy is when he came in we talked about The Count of Monte Cristo for like 30 minutes. I mean, c'mon! A conversation with a hot-ass Asian dude about Dumas! Once he left that day, I realized I wanted him in ways here-to-fore unheard of.

Sadly, the Asian guy (if not straight) is (lets be honest here) WELL out of my league. I mean, the guy is always well dressed (not preppy and not terribly rich looking; but, always dressed to the nines), crazy smart, loves to read, incredibly articulate, and he's FUCKING HOT! While, if you put all those things together, you have a pretty good case for his homosexuality . . . So, we're half-way there; but, a guy with all that certainly wouldn't have to stoop so low as to date a person like me.

As for she-who-will-be-called-Hannelore, I haven't had the nerve to really talk with her. But, I am assuming that, if I did talk with her, I would find she would either be super crazy bitch or gay.

/sigh

My love for these two will never see the light of day . . . course, that means they will always see the plush depths of my satin-covered fantasies without any fear of ruining my perceptions of them . . . That's something, at least.

In other news, I finished Paper Towns, by John Green the other day. My GOD, that was a great book! I liked it even more than Looking For Alaska, which I thought was brilliant. I really liked the concept of never really knowing another person because our perceptions of other people are clouded by our own experiences, thus finding things we want to see in other people. The relevance of this sort of thing in my love-life should be old news for any seasoned reader of my emo ramblings. I also loved the contradictory (possibly?) theme of connectedness via Whitman's Leaves of Grass, specifically "Song of Myself". And the inclusion of Melville's Ahab being viewed as a tragic hero by the main character (who is after his own white whale(s)) is just too good. Hell, there is even a Sylvia Plath reference in there, too (Bell Jar)! Really, this book was like a John Hughes movie, mixed with Joss Whedon reparte, and a GOOD English Lit class.

I know I'm late on this bus, most Youth Services Librarians read this long ago (most seemed to have read it while it was still an ARC); but, lay off me, I got a lot of things on my plate! Anyway, if anyone on my flist has read it and would like to talk about it with me . . . well, I'd love to hear from ya. :)

Here we go again . . .

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:50:53 GMT

Okay, I said I would do an update. I don't really feel like doing so; but, I said I would, so I am actually going to try.

So, things have been happening. Julie went back to CO and our relationship has ended, I didn't get bumped up to full time at work, the Winter Reading Program I busted my ass planning and putting together has BOMBED, quit WoW then picked it up again . . . twice in 3 months (I'm worse than an alcholic), got a new computer (its sweet), been reading a lot, I've lost my cooking touch, despite working out a lot I seem to be growing in the belly region (probably due to my apparent and totally American inability to eat only ONE portion of ANYTHING), started playing Neverwinter Nights again (dunno why I ever stopped, that thing is fun), I am ridiculously horny, I've been spending more time on 4-chan than I probably should, I feel like I've gotten pretty damn badass with photoshop (and for me to admit something like that is HUGE), I am pissed off at the petty stupidity of the human race, and I am pissed off at my own petty stupidity and apparent inability to change the stupid things I repeatedly do.

I probably missed a few things in that list; but, its a start. So, lets elaborate on some things:

Okies, so . . . She came out here and it turns out that she was very much not happy here. It also turns out that neither one of us is good for the other. Now, I'm not going to get into the whole who loved who more or who put more into the relationship, because, well . . . that's retarded. The fact is, we just didn't work out. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, it just doesn't amount to squat if you are not RIGHT for one another. And that was simply the case. No one was the bad-guy in the situation (or we both were, depending on your particular view).
We had some really good times and we had some really terrible times. We definitely had something, though and that's . . . well, that's something. And its a something I'm going to miss.
As much as I love her (and I do, very much so), I hope that I don't do the same thing again. I hope I don't end up clinging to something that is clearly not good for either person. I hope I don't lose myself in another person again. I hope I don't forget that you can't fix another person's problems, that is a thing only they can accomplish. I hope that I don't think the thoughts of "what did I do wrong", "what can I do to make it work next time", and just "why me".
I say I hope I don't do those things and more; but, I know I will . . . its what I do, unfortunately. I'm not the smartest person around in regards to relationships, I make the same mistakes again and again and I always put the weight on myself and my own actions. But, at least I am acknowledging that stupidity of mine . . . and just like what I had with Julie, "that's something" . . . right?

Okay, I love my job. Its easily the best gig I could possibly hope for outside of being Felicia Day's or Isshi's personal sex toy. That said, I get frustrated sometimes. Like REALLY frustrated.
I was told by the director that he was going to put me in for full time this year and that I would have it by the beginning of winter. Well, it didn't happen. I'll still do more that twice as much work as I am being paid for . . . I just won't be able to go to the dentist or a doctor for another few years. Lack of insurance sucks ass.
On the other work front, I busted my ass and dropped a lot of money that I didn't really have into creating the Winter Reading Program for this year. It is turning out to be a complete waste of time. I spent two months sucking up to businesses and begging for donations, three months of intensive planning and meeting with my teen advisory board, and at least $200 out of my own pocket to make a successful program. We have 36 people signed up . . . 36 out of an expected 150. Not only that; but the events I had planned (with my teens, btw) all bombed in terms of attendance. Now, I'm all for assessing the benefit of programming and events in non-quantitative ways; but, at the end of the month, its those numbers that end up on the report and its those very same numbers that help to determine the budget I will need next year.
Its just very frustrating. I love it; but, some days it just makes me want to put a bullet in the brain-pan. SQUISH! Still, Summer Reading Program is only 5 months away and I am thinking I can boost our numbers from last year. And, well, that's something, right?

So, the old addiction continues to addict. When talk of the Wrath of the Lich King expansion started seeping out, I really wasn't happy with what I was reading. In fact, I was certain that I was going to call it quits for good when the expansion was released. However, as the beta process progressed, a lot of things changed . . . My will to drop the habit weakened in the face of continuing changes to my favorite classes and screenshots of environments built with a truly epic scale and story in mind. So, three weeks before the expansion's release, I found myself dropping money into a new computer to make the most of the game's graphical upgrades. So, I purchased the computer, leveled the characters to play with my real-life friends in a mad dash, and bought the expansion. However, I found myself more and more pissed off over the addition of the Death Knight class. Overpowered in every aspect and with nothing on the horizon to change the class but buffs . . . well, I got disgusted and cancelled the account. Before I even installed my bought-three-days-ago expansion. I was (and am) extremely pissed at blizz for bringing in the game-breaking class.
Two days later, a friend from work, tells me that she finally decided to delete her Horde character on Scilla and reroll as Alliance. So we could play together. Feeling horrible about that, I reinstated my account in order to play with her. I also kept leveling my gnome warrior, Sconescooter, despite repeated and annoying analrape from any and every Horde Death Knight (even ones 4 levels lower than me) that I had the misfortune to come across. Finally, I reached 70 with her and respecced to Prot in order to try something I've been reading about.
OMG! Prot warriors are so fucking fun now, its ridiculous . . . So, now I am firmly entrenched in the game, yet again. I still fucking hate Death Knights and I really wish Blizz hadn't been so idiotic about how powerful they are, I still think the class balance is completely fucked up, and I'm having less fun on my Shaman than I did before the expansion; but, I am having fun again. And, well, that most definitely IS something.

Okay, well, that's kind of an update. I wanted to talk about the books I've been reading (Cycler,The Sky Village, The Nation (by SIR Terry Pratchett, grats on the knighthood, big guy!), and others; but, that's just gonna have to wait. So, not a great update; but . . .

its something . . . right?

Reason No. 137 why I hate holidays . . .

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 18:24:42 GMT

. . . wrapping fucking presents. Seriously, there is no other activity that makes me feel more like a complete idiot. My presents always end up looking like Sloth from Goonies wrapped them, sans the rocky-road, of course.

Okies. Time has past since the last update and this isn't really an update either. I will try to update more frequently as I seem to completely fail at LJ. Anyway, the point of this is I'm still here . . . I'll post more about what's been going on later, hopefully.

Love ya, guys! Have happy holidays and I hope your wrapping of gifts went better than mine. ;)

Yes.

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:38:11 GMT

that is all.

I miss Julie

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 21:46:11 GMT

I miss her a great deal. It seems like, since she moved out here, we have interacted less than when she was in Colorado. This, of course, is not her fault and not my fault. Really, its just a combination of her being busy getting acclimated to living out here and my work taking up far too much of my time. But; its really starting to bug me.

You see, she might be mean sometimes, she might be slightly more than occasionally inconsiderate of others, and she often confuses the hell out of me; however, I love her dearly. She might not be perfect; but, she's perfect for me and couldn't ask for a better person to share my time with. I just wish we could find more time together.

I love you, Julie. And I miss you more than you could ever know.

Omg . . . an update . . . wtf?

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:54:48 GMT

So . . . I fail at LJ, apparently. I don't seem to do any posts anymore, unless I'm super pissed off at something. So . . . here goes . . . an update!

. . . its busy. Extremely busy. We started the summer reading program 2 weeks ago (already have 170 teens signed up) and I am completely drained. I wanted to really make this summer's program HUGE. I will be doing roughly twice as many events as I had last year. This, of course, means even more work to cram in my already crammed schedule. I also had to bust my ass ridiculously hard this year for prizes, as most of the local businesses were kind of dicks about donating things. We had about half as many people donate and many of the donations we did get were sad when compared to what those places donated in previous years. So, I have to figure how to do much more with much less.
On top of all that, the YA area that I won 12k in grant money to make is finally under way . . . four months after it was supposed to be finished. While its a good thing that its actually happening, its a real pain in the ass to be dealing with now. I really don't have the time to devote to it . . . so, I've been pulling at least three 10-12 hour days a week in order to keep up. This is, of course, going beyond my maximum hour allotment; so, I'm sure I'll be reamed out by the head of personnel for working more than I'm allowed. However, there really isn't any other option. The YA area has to get done and the summer reading program has to be maintained and its programs supplied, advertised, and executed. I really have no choice than to work more than I am supposed to . . . Hopefully all this will show the city that I really SHOULD have a full-time job rather than the 25 hour joke I have now.

However, given all that stress and tiredness from work, I am still in a surprisingly good mood about everything. Its like I know I'm stressed and pissed; but, instead of really getting angry and yelling at people about stuff, I find myself laughing a great deal more. Maybe I've just gone so far into the stressed area that I just went out the other side . . .

I have joined my coworker's guild in WoW. I transferred Anna from Ghostlands to Whisperwind and joined Viridian Might and have been having a crazy amount of fun with them. They don't take raiding seriously at all, so we go into raids and just have fun. There is no stupid asshat's bitching about how we aren't clearing trash fast enough to ruin the fun, no people complaining about loot, no douchebag officers . . . basically, its just a bunch of people that think every aspect of the game is secondary to just having a good time. And that is exactly what I've been doing with this group. They are all adults, which is great, and every one of them seems to have a fantastic sense of humor (at the very least, all the ones that talk in /g and vent).

Other than wow, I've been gaming again. As in pencil-and-paper roleplaying. Doug has been running Earthdawn for us. I've actually been very surprised by how good he actually is doing. I think we all kind of expected him to be not so great at it; but, he's doing fantastic. Been having a great amount of fun every weekend we game, the fact that we usually grab some burgers at Stella's before we game one makes things that much sweeter.

Roleplaying has also gotten me back into painting miniatures, something I used to be REALLY good at doing. I'm still trying to get the skill back to the level it was. Its slow going; but, its happening. Been having a good deal of fun rekindling that hobby. Also found some great miniatures to paint from the people who make Warmachine that I can't wait to paint.

I went out to visit her a few weeks ago (just before the SRP started) and we had a great time. We had a fight at the end of the visit that was pretty big; however, I think a great deal of good came out of it all. I think we have a much better understanding of how one another communicates. In the past, there was a good deal of just assuming that the other person understood how we felt or what we wanted without actually letting the other person know. This would, of course, lead to frustration and anger on both our parts as those unspoken signals (or lack of them) would invariably be misinterpreted. After our argument turned to actual conversation, I feel we hammered alot of that stuff out and came to some much needed understanding. This is especially important as she is moving out here NEXT FUCKING WEEK!

Should be exciting!

Well, there you have it. My update, of sorts. Obviously, there are things I am forgetting to mention; but, what are ya gonna do?

I'm tired.

Wed, 07 May 2008 07:43:17 GMT

I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of working so hard and having nothing to show for it but frustration, lack of sleep, sadness, and (on a bad day) seizures.
I'm tired of giving everything I have to help so many people and getting shit thrown in my face as a result.
I'm tired of spending all my strength trying to lift other people up.
I'm tired of always being the one trying to mend the bridge.
I'm tired of always being the "nice guy."
I'm tired of being patient.
I'm tired of deciding NOT to say things.
I'm tired of being step on and used.
I'm tired of all of it.

And I'm done.

The world is gonna have to come to me for a change, cause damnit, its time I found my inner-bitch! And I'll tell you one thing, she better be getting those 8 inch stiletto heeled boots on, cause bitch has got some stepping to do!

Moar cowbell plz!

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:32:47 GMT

If only it weren't April Fool's

Seriously . . . I would play the shit out of this class. C'mon, Bliz, your April Fool's idea is SOOOOOOO much better than your warlock in plate concept. Get with the fucking program you idiots!

An end.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 09:02:28 GMT

I've got till May 7th, apparently. Might change my mind between now and then; but, not likely. At least not on Annarecksia.

I might play Arcticamali back on Scilla for a bit; but, I think its pretty obvious that I'm not going to get the same satisfaction out of the game that I used to with Anna and the Serenity crew.

Ah well . . . guess I'll go masturbate or something.

A question . . .

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 01:28:44 GMT

Other than severe blunt-force trauma, which I haven't yet ruled out, what do you do to forget?

New year and all that jazz.

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:26:26 GMT

So, a new year is upon us. Another 365 days of life as we continue our part of the cosmic dance around a sustained nuclear explosion. I feel like alot of people are filled with optimism and high spirits when the new year begins. I've just never had that mentality, I guess.

The last time I made a new year's resolution I was 12 and I don't remember what that resolution might have been. I think I've just grown accustomed to the fact that I will invariably disappoint myself; so, why bother trying to change some major aspect of my life when I know I will fail? I'm not going to miraculously be more optimistic, I'm not going to have some brilliant 180º turn-around regarding how I allow people to treat me, I'm not going to suddenly become a dynamo of financial and career success, I am not going to tell everyone in the world about how I see and think of myself regarding my gender, and it's extremely unlikely that I will suddenly become a heart throb to anyone but a select few people who have the heart to look beyond appearances. None of the other big things about me that I wish were different for various reasons (some selfish and some for other people) are going to change at all. We are who we are. We can try to superficially change the things that make us who we are; but, all we are doing is painting a thin veneer over what we are trying to hide. What we try to hide has a tendency to seep through over time. Blood will run true, if you will.

That's not to say I don't change my life as the months and years go by. We all do. I just think getting all jazzed up about the new year like its some mystical alignment of the stars that will somehow make it possible for us to more easily make fantastical changes for the better is a little naive.

Or, maybe I'm just a pessimistic asshole who has all but given up on the world and hirself. I don't remember what I was trying to say in this post. It just became some kind of string of consciousness pot-luck.

Anyway, I guess I have a choice . . . I can look forward to this year with my standard pessimism or I can look forward to it with some kind of optimism. I think I'm going to do neither and opt for just basic cynicism. Its a year. Twelve months. 365 days. 8760 hours. Its a measurement of time, nothing more. Its hours, days, weeks, and months will bring nothing more than they can: time. It is existing through that time that brings what we think of as life. And I know enough about my life to not expect great things and just try to take it as it comes.

Happy new race around the sun, all. I really do hope the best for you all as we all work our way around our Sun once more. ♥

I wish we were still in June.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 02:26:54 GMT

So, a conversation with a friend a couple nights ago has had me thinking. What is it I really want? I'm not talking about lofty things here, I'm talking about little things here and there that would make me happy. Things in other people and myself that I have been looking for and wanting.

I found out some things . . .

I want . . .

∙A meaningful and monogomous relationship that still feels casual and cozy.

∙Honesty

∙Someone to dance with me every once in a while. Not because they can and certainly not because I can; but, because of three simple things: it's close, it's intimate, and it's sweet. Sure, I can't dance . . . I've always been in the band, not on the dance floor; however, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy doing it on occasion.

∙Someone who knows that what I do is NOT a hobby. That I feel my work is important, valuable, and worth doing. Someone who knows that, in a very real way, my work is a big part of my life and who I am. I want someone who knows this and respects this. Notice I don't say "agrees with me," all I want here is respect and the knowledge that what I do is beyond important to me.

∙Someone who will respectfully disagree with me on some things and not be afraid of having stimulating and mutually respectful conversations regarding these things. Disagreement, even on BIG things, is NOT an excuse for a relationship not working.

∙Someone who knows that I express love and affection in a very physical manner. I like to cuddle, I like to hold hands, I like to fuck, I like to snuggle up and just talk for hours, I like to horseplay, I like to be in close physical proximity to a person who's company I enjoy enough to date. I need someone who enjoys the same or is understanding enough to grant me that indulgence.

∙I want this imaginary other to know that when I say "love", I don't necessarily mean "I am in love." Love, for me, has a million different grades of intensity and definitions. I am of the opinion that this is the case with all of us. I do NOT want someone who will freak out or get upset when I say "I love you". Fact is, there are many people I love . . . not many I don't.

∙I want a lover with the confidence to tell me what I am doing right and, more importantly, what I am doing wrong. And I want them to have the intelligence to do so while the two of us can actually affect a change for the better.

∙I want communication.

∙I want cozy and comfortable silences, punctuated by the occasional kiss or hug.

∙I want someone to walk in the snow with me.

∙I want someone to share at least some of my interests.

∙I want someone who isn't afraid of things "getting boring."

∙I want someone strong enough to help me walk when I can't; but, brave enough to let me return the favor.

∙I want something REAL.

In all of my relationships with various women and men, I thought I had these things all of three times. After listing them (and the list is longer than this, these were just the biggies), I discovered that I've only had these things twice. And one of those two times, I wasn't even aware of it until not long ago. For those of you who don't want to bother with the math, that means I was only correct ONE of those three times I thought I had what I want.

I don't think I'll find the combination I want. As I become more and more cynical as the years go by, I find it exponentially more difficult to believe in "The One". However, that doesn't mean I won't stop looking. Because, more than anything else:

∙I want to stop looking.

News.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 00:29:33 GMT

Okay, I've got got shit to talk about. Some things people might find disturbing, so I am going to cut the things that people might be upset about.

Good news! WE GOT THE GRANT!!!

For those of you who were not aware, a few months ago I busted my ass to put together a grant proposal to create and ACTUAL teen section for the library. You see, currently the teen section is more of an afterthought. From the day I started my job, I have been patiently and sneakily stealing little pieces of the surrounding library to expand the area. Even after all that devious real estate stealing, the area is still small and a poor excuse for a teen area. Well, we got the grant. Well, most of it. They gave us 90% of the proposal; so, instead of 13 grand, we have been awarded $11,700. I'm hoping we can make up the additional $1,300 somewhere else so I won't have to cut the plan down. We shall see.

The winter reading program starts on this coming Monday. I am not prepared. I still have a metric fuck ton of work to complete. I really don't know if its going to happen. I may have to start playing triage with the things I want to get done in an effort to have the bare minimum ready by the 10th. Lot of stress there . . .

So, I had been under a great deal of stress and depression. Then Julie broke up with me. Why she did was completely understandable and I don't blame her at all for making that choice. Were I in her shoes, I would have done the same. She decided that, while she cares for me, she is young and just isn't quite sure WHAT she wants at this point. This is normal and, in all honesty, I'm kinda surprised it didn't happen earlier. I mean, lets be honest here, the woman is only 21 years old. There is a great deal of stuff still to come in her life and she isn't quite ready to give those experiences up for the long term stability that I crave. However, knowing all that didn't make it any less painful.

So, point is, I was already stressed to the limit and this happened. I kinda broke down a bit. Well, alot. I broke down alot. To the point where I tried to kill myself on Thanksgiving night.

You see, I got lost in all that hurt, anger, confusion (a problem that was likely multiplied by the fact that I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours a night for more than 3 weeks), and just plain frustration with the world, love, life, and myself. I walked to the store shortly after Chris and Terah left for Doug and Lauren's place and picked up a big bottle of Tylenol PM. I went home, had a beer, and sat down to ingest the bottle of pills. At somewhere between 10-15 Tylenol (I honestly lost track), I stopped and realized that what I was doing was sheer idiocy (a fact my body would be sure to shortly hammer into my head over and over again as I lay, my head perched over the toilet). Anyway, I realized a few things:

1) Yes, life is pretty shitty right now. And yes, its likely won't ever be with Julie again. But, its not really the end of the world. I mean, things can only really get better from here, right?

2) The situation with Julie isn't all that different from when I felt like I needed to leave Jenny in order to be with Chrissy. Granted, Julie probably won't be coming back to me as I did Jenny; however, that is no excuse to not be gracious and supportive of her the way that Jenny was with me. To not do so would be disrespectful to both Julie and Jenny.

3) If it wasn't Julie who was going to hurt me, it would have been someone else. At least this way, I had a good year with a woman who (despite her own problems) is an amazing individual. A person who made me see the world in new ways.

4) As shitty as things are, there are still things that I enjoy. Is it worth it to give those things up to avoid the shitty things by exiting stage right? Well, I figured the answer was that it probably wasn't a great trade-off.

So, after thinking about these things, I decided that slipping into a drug induced coma would probably not be a great idea. So, I started drinking shit tons of water and wandering around the apartment in order to keep awake. When I started puking, staying awake was pretty easy. I pray to the whatever god or random chaos that may be out there that I NEVER puke like that again. Once the puking seemed to slow down to a manageable amount, I went for a long walk in the 30 degree weather. I did an awful lot of thinking and feeling during that walk. When I returned home, I felt like maybe I could manage to claw through all this shit going on in my life.

Since then, I've been feeling much better about things in general. Yeah, life is bad now. Yeah, things are very stressful. Yeah, the situation with Julie hurts. But, that's fine. That's life. I was just on a MAJOR downswing of that pendulum and now its making its way back up. I don't think alot of those issues are going to go away. And I certainly don't think that the situation with Julie is going to be easy to deal with. However, I know I will figure it all out. And, truthfully, I feel alot better about the Julie thing. I understand why she did it and it makes sense. I know I can handle being her friend. I certainly don't feel like I want to have a relationship with anyone anytime in the foreseeable future. But, that's okay.

Its all just okay and really, that's not too bad.

So, 8 people were killed and 5 injured at the Westroads mall today. The shooter is believed to be a 19 year-old from Bellevue that eventually turned his gun on himself. Apparently he left a note at home saying (probably among other things, but they must not be headline-worthy) "I'm going out with style." So, people were watching this at work, traumatized. I was watching and feeling upset for the people who died and their families; however, I was already bristling with disgust at how my coworkers, friends, and media were already demonizing the 19 year-old. I'm sure its a coping mechanism; but, it kind of disgusts me. In my mind, I find myself wondering what the story behind this young man must be. Why did he feel he needed to kill himself? What made him want to take others with him on that ride?

Maybe its because of what I do for a living; but, I'm very quick to defend teenagers. Our society is so quick to shuffle this age group off as troublemakers, disrespectful, and a nuisance. Adults don't listen to them, don't respect them as fellow human beings, and refuse to try to see things from the teens' point of view. They are expected to act like adults, yet we refuse to treat them as such. We've all been through that age, we should have some fucking compassion for what these young people are going through. I have listened to countless stories and woes from these people. Yes, some of it borders on the emo and childish; but, a great deal of it is honestly heartrending. A vast majority of the teens that come in to the library have parents that either plainly don't care about them, feel that they need to be scheduled ever second of every day, or just don't listen to a damn things their children say. I have seen some of these parents, and they act more like children then their teenagers do.

What will happen over the next few weeks is exactly what happened after the Columbine shootings. People will point fingers: Who sold him the gun? Why didn't security catch him walking in with a rifle? Why role did videogames and tv play? Why didn't the parents keep their son under their thumb? Psychologists, teachers, ministers, and ignorant citizens will ask these questions and more. I only have one question: Why didn't someone just sit down with this young man, give him their undivided attention, and just let him talk?

So, you see, I don't blame the young man that shot those people today. I think it was a very poor choice on his part; but, I'm sure he felt that he didn't have any other outlet. And, from my experience, its likely he really didn't.

I don't do what I do to prevent what happened today. I don't go into work everyday and sit down with these people and keep my mouth just and just listen to their stories and woes in the hopes of saving one more teenager and 8 victims from such a fate. I do what I do because I know this age group has precious few advocates actually looking out for them. I do what I do and listen to these young people because they ARE people. They deserve my respect and they deserve to be treated like real people.

We all need someone to just listen every once in a while. Instead of relegating this age group to the shadowy corners of our reality, why not talk with them? Why not let them tell us what is going on in their lives? I promise you, they WANT someone to talk to. They WANT their woes and stories to be validated. They crave an adults attention just as much as a 3 year old . . . they just need a different kind of attention. Its very easy to do people . . . just shut-up and listen.

Tragedies like this happen. Its very sad and painful. And there is no way to prevent something like this from ever happening. People snap, for whatever reason, and other people get hurt. It WILL happen again.

I can promise you one thing though: If more people listen to teenagers and their dreams, desires, and problems we will see alot less of this stuff in the headlines.

I've done some thinking . . .

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 03:04:08 GMT

I'm not suitable for any kind of relationship.

I've said this before; but, it was for other reasons.

This is what I realized: Whenever something goes wrong with any relationship I am in (friendship, lovers, dating, in love, whatever) I always end up blaming myself. I know there are two people in any relationship and if that relationship fails, there were issues on both sides. However, I always find myself wondering what it was I did? What could I have done to make it work? What didn't I do that I should have done?

The end result is I am left feeling even more like crap than I normally do because I somehow failed this other person . . . I mean, why else would they leave me? Or so goes my flawed and perverted logic. So . . . I don't think I should reach out to anyone anymore. It just ends up with me feeling like I want to drink 8 bottles of nyquil (the orange kind, cause the green tastes like rancid shit instead of just shit).

I'm just tired of it all.

Single once again . . .

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 09:04:01 GMT

. . . the wheel goes round . . .

Journal drought and why it happens.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 03:41:55 GMT

So . . . alot of people have mentioned the fact that I haven't posted anything on this thing in a while. They wonder why I haven't. I usually say things like "I've been too busy," "I haven't had much to talk about," and even the simple and effective "I forgot." Lately, I have been able to use the excuse that many of my colleagues in the library and education fields have been losing their jobs based on their blogs and journals. While this is a fabulous excuse, you all know me to not be the type of person really be frightened of such a thing. My middle fingers are perpetually in the air giving a proud Double Deuce to that kind of thing and the idiots who perpetrate it. So, none of these things are true. The truth is something else entirely.

The truth is, I have been feeling more and more disconnected with my life and everything in it. This includes people, things, my work . . . everything. Now, don't think this means I dislike my work, my friends, and the few things I do for fun. I do, it just seems like I am watching myself enjoy these things from afar. I love the people I have chosen to cast in the life that has become some kind of odd movie for me. They mean the world to me, I just feel distant from what and who I am and have been.

This has been coming to a head for a while, and I feel that it has been behind many, if not all, the big decisions I have made over the past few months. It has been something hovering on the periphery and affecting my moods in various ways for even longer. However, I don't think it was until tonight that I have consciously realized it.

As I was walking home from work tonight, I found myself loving the feel of just moving. I was forgetting the fact that I was walking toward anything. The destination of "home" completely dropped from my mind. I hope this doesn't sound cheesy as hell (I think it will), I felt free and happy. I found myself wanting to just keep walking. To just go. No destination, no time, no schedule . . . just, go. I found myself thinking that I am not the person I have built this life for. I found myself wondering if I ever was.

I found myself wanting to just leave.

I wondered how far I could get before the tether of real life snapped me back into place. I wondered if this primal urge to run anywhere but here is strong enough to stretch that tether to its breaking point and keep going. I suddenly found I was seriously considering NOT coming home. I was feeling from my feet, through my legs, my heart, and my mind like I SHOULD keep going.

Obviously, I have not. I was wondering if, maybe, I'm going a little crazy. I'm wondering if I might one day be one of those people that just disappear, their life left in apparent shambles and no one aware of there whereabouts. I even found myself wondering (still wondering) if that would be a bad thing . . .

Now, I am home, being honest with my friends and myself about my . . . not dissatisfaction (I love the work I have done at the library, I love my friends, and I feel like I have done good things all around. I am proud of this life I've built.) . . . about the disconnect I feel with my life. I am curious as to what prompted this feeling. Is this not the life I should be leading? If not, what is? Is this feeling simply a response to a fear of a sense of permanence? Is that why I've made some of the questionable (from my current life's standpoint) decisions I have regarding my life these past few months? Is it a deep seeded need to just wander? What is missing from this life that my soul, heart, and now mind seem to think I will find by wandering? Is this something as simple as a reaction to my relationship with Julie falling apart (my choice and probably mostly my fault) or does it come from something deeper?

Most importantly, what (if anything) should I do about this?

These are big questions. I don't know if I will find an answer to any of these. I don't know if there even IS an answer. All I know is the desire to walk away from this life and the gulf that seems to have opened up between myself and what I used to be.

Derby girls are sexy

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 20:51:05 GMT

Saw this and thought of you, WiB!

http://www.infectiousthreads.com/big_sour_derby_stitches.htm