And mine sucks.


Everything I said about Natalie yesterday is true. That and more . . . I reigned in what I had to say because I felt I needed to do so.

I am not going to expound further regarding her because it doesn't matter, really. I know how I feel and, more importantly, I now know how she feels . . .

Ah well . . . I've heard I'm a good friend, anyway.

I feel: exhausted

Okay, so, I continually disappoint on the updating front. I would apologize; but, the truth is I do not really give two shits about updating. At least, that's usually the case. So, instead, I'm just going to say that I suck at it and move onward. This is going to be a post; but, a rather meandering one. Bear with me.

( Worried about my family. )

( Work is frustrating. )

( Epilepsy blows. )

( Disability : Inability )

( I'm kind of a douchebag. )

Things aren't all bad, though. Having fun in wow, reading good books (Seriously, fucking check out Graceling, by Kristin Cashore! I wouldn't watch the little trailer they have for it at the bottom of the page though . . . fun; but, goofy), been working out, and playing a decent amount of Rock Band. Oh yeah! I'm also kinda seeing someone, too! :)

( I'm kinda seeing someone . . . )

Okay, that's my post. I will likely do another quasi-post later with a list (and links) for songs I wish were in Rock Band. I've been meaning to do that for a while now.

Thanks for reading, if you did, and love you all.

/hugs

Tags: epilepsy, family, friends, life, love, relationships, work, wow
Current Location: Home, in my squeeky chair
I feel: hopeful
I am listening to: Walk on Water - Donna the Buffalo

Its fucking Valentine's Day. Please, let me die of an aneurysm in my sleep tonight.

I walked to work in the snow today. Its so beautiful. It covers everything in gentle sloping curves of pillowy softness. All the jagged edges are rounded off, the patches of vegetation worn barren by treading feet or pesticides covered in a chill blanket, the problems of our physical world hidden. I think its the only time the world we know, day in and day out, is beautiful. It turns our world and all its ugliness into something otherworldly and new.

It makes me feel . . . I don't know, like just maybe, while the snow covers the hard realities, that something else is possible in our lives than what we have become accustomed.

Its a nice feeling, even if it only lasts until the snow goes gray with grime and melt-off.

So . . . its late at night, I'm lonely and pathetic . . . So, I do what every sad, self-absorbed, nearly-thrity-year-old would do: make an LJ post.

Most of the things that I mentioned being frightened of in my last post turned out okay. However, the resolution of those things has created another set of fears.

As mentioned, I'm lonely. Very much so. Thankfully, it comes in bouts. So, I can usually manage to get sleep. I'm not really certain how to remedy this situation. I have no faith in myself and whatever charms I might have in attracting someone to be with. So, that pretty much eliminates the possibility of me just walking up to someone and putting them into a swoon with a conversation or my physical attributes. Besides, like it or not, its one specific type of person I feel lonely for and that kind of person is not good for me. It never is, really. I don't know if there is anything I can do to change that pattern and, to be completely honest, I don't think I much care anymore. I feel my age creeping up on me and my hair falling away and that makes me aware of the things I don't have in my life. I know people are going to say, "STFU! You're not old!" well . . . maybe you are right, in the sense of how most people live to around 70 now. However, I look around me and am surrounded by friends who have gotten married, started families, have something greater than them to cling to when the nights grow cold, and (when it comes to that) someone to hold and hold them. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me that these things haven't happen for me, not for lack of trying.

Then again, things always look better from the outside. And that includes the relationships that didn't work. I'm looking back on all of them, and its hard to be honest with myself about them. I KNOW there were things that made them beyond fixing and that I was not the sole culprit in fucking things up; but, it is hard to see those things when I feel like this. I only see the idealized version. I see the cuddling and laughter, her barely audible snore, the way his foot twitched in the night, the way her cynicism always made me giggle, the way she looked when she was making art, the way her hand fit in mine, the way he smelled when I nuzzled against him, the way she took care of me when I couldn't do it myself, her angry-love when I was doing stupid things that would hurt me and the way she was there to comfort me when it DID hurt, the way she sang with abandon to the songs I never liked . . . you get the picture. I know there were fights and tears and pain; but, its hard to put things in perspective when I get like this. That's part of the problem, I guess.

A friend asked me what I would change in my life if the world was going to end in three years. I said I couldn't think of anything that I would change in any monumental manner. Thinking back on that now, I think my response is terribly depressing. As if I've subconsciously resigned myself to a sad future. The future I see everyday, middle-aged souls using the library computers to desperately find someone on Yahoo Personals who will give them some reason to keep living the sad life they've made for themselves. I see it everyday and it scares me shitless because I feel like just another piece of runoff heading straight for that very same gutter.

I don't want that; but, I don't know how to change. I don't think any of us do. Is it worth trying to change our pathetic patterns or is it better just trying to find something to help us be content with the inevitable? Is trying to change the way we are a Sisyphean task?

I want to believe I can change. I want to believe WE can change. But, the more I look around me, the more I look at my past, the more I look at myself . . . well, the more I feel like I'm losing ground day after day.

I try very hard to hide all these thoughts. I try to smile, I try to make jokes, and I laugh where appropriate. I've become a slave to routine in an effort to avoid these feelings . . . it works maybe 50% of the time. However, I feel like I am fighting the sea and I can't help but think that eventually something will give and the tide will wash over me.

I feel: lonely
I am listening to: Soft Shoulder - Ani Defranco

As the subject says, this will be quick and incomplete. I will fill things in later.


I am super tired. Haven't slept well in days. Some major things happening right now at work, life in general, and personal life. I am stressed, confused, horny (like that ever changes), and scared.

Putting together a preliminary calendar for the summer reading program. I think there are a lot of exciting things we are going to do this SRP. Of course, I won't know for sure what we are doing until probably mid-April; but, getting started feels good. Why don't we hope I can continue to stay on top of it and not have it slowly tear me into the little bits it usually does . . . On another work note: I have to work this Sunday . . . BOOOOOOO!

Big personal things going on . . . things I can't really tell people about right now, no matter how much I'd like to. What I will say is these things are scaring me shitless.

Anyway . . . tired . . . gonna try to sleep . . .


here's one more ellipsis for my fellow addicts . . .

Tags: life, work
I feel: nervous

1. Try not to puke at work from the plague that seems to have overcome me.
2. Try not to puke at work as a result of the horrible smell from the tar being laid on the roof.
3. Figure out how the hell I am going to put a good spin on the fact that we only had 38 people signup for the Winter Reading Program, about 75 less than we had last year.
4. Figure out why TONS of teens tell me they are excited for something coming up, even without me asking about it, then only have a handful of people participate or show up. Well, that's just cause they are teens . . . so, I'll rephrase this: Figure out how to get people who seem excited about a program or event to ACTUALLY SHOW UP!
5. Figure out what I am going to do to use about $100 worth of prizes (many of them perishable) that didn't get used in the WRP cause no one signed up (see number 3).
6. Start planning for the Summer Reading Program.
7. Thorough weeding of the non-fiction section.
8. Try not to puke.


And, crap! I need to go, so I can't finish this list.


In summary, I point back to yesterday's post. Seriously . . . I just want to not think for a while. Any suggestions?

Tags: work
I feel: annoyed

So . . . I want to fuck someone. Like, REALLY bad. Not because I particularly need to get off; but, because I just want to NOT THINK for a blissful amount of time.

Really, its either that or a lobotomy. Hrm . . . how much do you think those run?

Tags: tmi
I feel: cynical

So . . . Being sick sucks.

Going to work the day after staying home from work, because you were too sick to get out of bed, to the stomach-rending smell of tar being laid on the roof sucks harder.

Having two cute-as-hell people come into work today and feeling too icky to actually talk with them (for fear of being even creepier than I would normally) sucks even harder. Seriously, this chick and this guy are so fucking cute-hot that my brain completely shuts off when they walk through those doors. The lady looks like a real-life version of Hannelore from "Questionable Content" and the other guy is this super-cute Asian guy who is incredibly well read and smart. . . the first time I realized I had a super-sized crush on this guy is when he came in we talked about The Count of Monte Cristo for like 30 minutes. I mean, c'mon! A conversation with a hot-ass Asian dude about Dumas! Once he left that day, I realized I wanted him in ways here-to-fore unheard of.

Sadly, the Asian guy (if not straight) is (lets be honest here) WELL out of my league. I mean, the guy is always well dressed (not preppy and not terribly rich looking; but, always dressed to the nines), crazy smart, loves to read, incredibly articulate, and he's FUCKING HOT! While, if you put all those things together, you have a pretty good case for his homosexuality . . . So, we're half-way there; but, a guy with all that certainly wouldn't have to stoop so low as to date a person like me.

As for she-who-will-be-called-Hannelore, I haven't had the nerve to really talk with her. But, I am assuming that, if I did talk with her, I would find she would either be super crazy bitch or gay.

/sigh

My love for these two will never see the light of day . . . course, that means they will always see the plush depths of my satin-covered fantasies without any fear of ruining my perceptions of them . . . That's something, at least.




In other news, I finished Paper Towns, by John Green the other day. My GOD, that was a great book! I liked it even more than Looking For Alaska, which I thought was brilliant. I really liked the concept of never really knowing another person because our perceptions of other people are clouded by our own experiences, thus finding things we want to see in other people. The relevance of this sort of thing in my love-life should be old news for any seasoned reader of my emo ramblings. I also loved the contradictory (possibly?) theme of connectedness via Whitman's Leaves of Grass, specifically "Song of Myself". And the inclusion of Melville's Ahab being viewed as a tragic hero by the main character (who is after his own white whale(s)) is just too good. Hell, there is even a Sylvia Plath reference in there, too (Bell Jar)! Really, this book was like a John Hughes movie, mixed with Joss Whedon reparte, and a GOOD English Lit class.

I know I'm late on this bus, most Youth Services Librarians read this long ago (most seemed to have read it while it was still an ARC); but, lay off me, I got a lot of things on my plate! Anyway, if anyone on my flist has read it and would like to talk about it with me . . . well, I'd love to hear from ya. :)

Tags: books, life, work
I feel: tired

Okay, I said I would do an update. I don't really feel like doing so; but, I said I would, so I am actually going to try.


So, things have been happening. Julie went back to CO and our relationship has ended, I didn't get bumped up to full time at work, the Winter Reading Program I busted my ass planning and putting together has BOMBED, quit WoW then picked it up again . . . twice in 3 months (I'm worse than an alcholic), got a new computer (its sweet), been reading a lot, I've lost my cooking touch, despite working out a lot I seem to be growing in the belly region (probably due to my apparent and totally American inability to eat only ONE portion of ANYTHING), started playing Neverwinter Nights again (dunno why I ever stopped, that thing is fun), I am ridiculously horny, I've been spending more time on 4-chan than I probably should, I feel like I've gotten pretty damn badass with photoshop (and for me to admit something like that is HUGE), I am pissed off at the petty stupidity of the human race, and I am pissed off at my own petty stupidity and apparent inability to change the stupid things I repeatedly do.

I probably missed a few things in that list; but, its a start. So, lets elaborate on some things:

( Julie )

( Work )

( WoW )

Tags: julie, work, wow
Current Location: In an ocean of maybe
I feel: pensive
I am listening to: Faith No More - Falling to Pieces